Black Thoughts?

Black Thoughts?

If I had to choose a single, favorite author, it would have to be Hermann Hesse. And although I know that many would consider it somewhat juvenile because he was mostly popular with the young, college students of the “radical” sixties, I don’t care! He spoke more powerfully to me than any other author I have ever read. Why? Because he spoke of the inner turmoil, confusion, fear, hopes, dreams, etc. that the more sensitive of us feel & experience. Hesse made me realize that I am not a freak of nature for feeling the way I do. He showed me the beauty, grace, sensitivity, power, and love necessary to block out the garbage & hear your inner voice. So, if this is “naïve” or “childish,” I can relate to Peter Pan & his wish to never “grow up.”

My dreams are what have kept me alive. The world is so ugly when you really pay attention. It can overwhelm you & consume your spirit. I’m not saying that it’s the only way, but many of us numb ourselves to the “harsh realities of life” with the use of drugs & alcohol. I believe this is more of a self-preservation effort than a willful escape or deliberate, self-destructive path.

I have experienced quite a few “negative” experiences in my life for lack of a better word or phrase for now. And sometimes, I have some rather “black thoughts” but I am afraid to reveal them to anyone for fear of either being rejected or judged superficially. And, no, I never have thoughts of committing violent acts towards others.

Hesse, I have learned, was a manic/depressive. In other words, he fluctuated between extremes of bliss & despair. I am reminded of the German poet, Rilke, who said that he didn’t want to undergo therapy for fear that it would not only chase away his demons, but his angels as well. This is not an attempt to “romanticize” the plight of the ‘tortured artist,’ but an honest appraisal.

The central point I am aiming at is, how are we as educators, therapists, social workers, law enforcement, etc., going to reach & truly help those suffering souls, if they are afraid to reveal their “black thoughts” because they know they could be arrested & locked up for their thoughts? Isn’t this connected to what George Orwell referred to as the “thought police?”

Hesse, and philosophy in general, have given me more insights into the human condition & more hope, than anything I have ever gotten or read from modern psychology with its narrow, simplistic, relatively ‘quick’ fixes. I tried “therapy” both individual & marriage, for a year, it left me cold. I have been searching for ‘truth,’ ‘peace,’ ‘meaning,’ etc. for at least 30 years, if not longer? I have hitchhiked across America & up and down the West coast dozens of times. I have been to Europe several times & sometimes on a one-way ticket & with a hundred dollars or so in my pocket. Why? Because I have known ever since I realized the lies of the U.S. military & “our” government regarding our “involvement” in Vietnam, we have been spoon-fed a pack of lies & if I wanted to discover the ‘truth,’ I’d have to do it on my own.

I am considered “old” now, but this doesn’t usually bother me because I feel my spirit is vibrant & hopeful of a better world. And though it may seem egotistical, I believe that I have a part in guiding those whom I come into contact with, towards that possibility. Only I know just how much effort I have expended in my pursuit of knowledge, truth, & wisdom, but most of those who have met me in person, know I am sincere.

I only “know” one thing, and that is until we find a way to allow people to speak their minds without fear of negative repercussions, we are doomed to experience or witness the ugly results of the more extremely troubled souls.

Humbly yours,
Rob DeLoss, November 6, 2008

17 replies
  1. Josef Rupprecht
    Josef Rupprecht says:

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  2. seo
    seo says:

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    • admin
      admin says:

      thank you for your kind words, I’m working on adding pics but I have quite a few blogs/posts/essays that I put here all at once. I love being part of the conversation. I’m also working on a book, so much to do and so little time. Stay in touch.

      Reply
    • admin
      admin says:

      Thank you for your compliment and for responding. And I like the quote on compassion and believe compassion for others is what separates us from the corporate cockroaches destroying the planet.

      Reply
    • admin
      admin says:

      Thank you and feedback like yours keeps me going. I sometimes feel like I’m howling at the moon but connection with other, like-minded individuals, makes it worth getting out of bed.

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  3. Social Forums
    Social Forums says:

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    Reply
  4. Autobusy Gdansk
    Autobusy Gdansk says:

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